Hey friend,
Many years ago, I was sitting at lunch with a coworker/friend.
We were talking about our lives, and he said something that struck me as interesting and unusual…
He said, he avoids setting big goals because reaching them would mean he’s “arrived.”
Huh.
There’s probably more to that statement than I’ll ever understand…
But over the years, I’ve heard others talk about setting (and achieving) goals in a similar ambivalent way.
I realize part of it boils down to this:
Most of us think setting a goal = planting a flag down on some definite point in the future. Specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound? Check.
The expectation is:
When we “arrive” to that point (our goal), life will be radically different — we’ll be happy, stress-free, and well-liked by those around us.
But the reality is:
Life feels not that different. In fact, we can feel less happy, more stressed, and less well-liked because we take on more responsibility, more money, more stuff. On top of that, we can feel lost because we no longer have something to work towards.
Some people avoid this feeling by not setting big goals at all.
But humans are goal-oriented creatures. We NEED something to strive towards. Goals help us focus our energy, guide our personal growth, and define our contributions to the world.
The problem is, we’re not setting the right kinds of goals…
Most of our goals revolve around money, status, stuff — making a $250K salary, getting promoted to VP, buying a BMW, buying designer things.
Sound familiar?
Btw, nothing wrong with wanting these things…
But the problem is most people stop here.
They focus only on the “small goals” of accumulating money, status, and stuff…but for what?
“For what?” is the question we need to be asking ourselves.
Sometimes we set small goals assuming they’ll help us achieve our big goals. Or thinking they ARE the big goals.
But the “big goals” are the actual things that make life great — the experiences we have, the person we grow into, the relationships we build, and the contributions we make to the world.
When we’re clear on our big goals, we’ll know if the small goals are worth pursuing at all. Either to help us get where we want to go. Or just because we want that thing in our life.
This way, we’re not pouring sweat and tears into a small goal only to “arrive” at the endpoint and realize, now what?
Here’s an example:
I used to set “small goals” like these: get a tech job, make 6 figures, get promoted…
But for what? I didn’t have a clear answer, other than it’s what I’m supposed to do.
After years of digging into my “big goals,” I realized I wanted to spend my days helping entrepreneurs and creators communicate their points of view to the world.
I realized what I wanted was very different from what I was doing. So I switched careers.
Notice the difference between these 2 goals:
Get a tech job, make 6 figures, get promoted.
Vs.
Spend my days helping entrepreneurs and creators communicate their points of view to the world.
See the difference?
A big goal is not an endpoint we “arrive” to, but an ongoing state we experience life in.
An experience can be short-term like traveling to a new place, running a marathon, climbing Everest, or learning a new language.
Or an experience can be long-term like being in a loving relationship, raising well-adjusted children, having an extraordinary circle of friends, or creating something new in the world.
The goal is to welcome these experiences in full — the highs and lows, the daily effort, the temporariness of it all. And savor being IN the experience, not just rushing to get the end result.
I believe these are the goals that truly matter.
How I set big life goals:
Sitting down with your current goals and asking yourself why you want them can be a hard, confronting task.
Instead, try this:
Put your current goals aside for a moment…
And ask yourself these 3 questions (try your best to not overthink it):
- Experiences: What experiences do I want to have in this lifetime?
- Growth: To be the person who lives life with these amazing experiences, how do I need to grow?
- Contribution: If I had a life with these amazing experiences and had grown to this level, how do I now give back to the world that has rewarded me so much?
Now write your answers down somewhere. You’ll see a broad picture of your “big goals” starting to take shape.
If you already have a system for setting goals, that’s great. This exercise can help you decide if your current goals are in line with your “big goals.”
If you do give this a try, reply to this post and let me know how it goes!
(Btw I learned this exercise from Vishen Lakhiani, the founder of Mindvalley.)
Talk soon!
Lillian